Auto Humor

AUTOMOBILE HUMOR
Betcha didn't know there are Car Jokes!
 
 
END OF THE LINE
            Near the end of their racing careers, a Ford and a Chevrolet made a pact. The first one to reach racing heaven would let the other know if heaven even had car racing. As luck would have it, the Chevrolet was demolished in a fiery wreck. A few days later, it revealed itself to the Ford in a vision.
            "I have some good news and some bad news," the Chevy told the Ford. "The good news is that heaven is crazy about auto racing. They have everything here—NASCAR, Indy cars, Formula 1, you name it."
            "So what's the bad news?" the Ford asked the deceased Chevrolet.
            "The bad news is that you've won the pole position for next Saturday's race."


OH YEAH? TAKE THAT!
            A motorist runs a red light and is photographed by an automated police camera. In the mail a short time later, he receives a photo of his car committing the infraction and a citation for $60. Instead of paying the fine, the motorist mails the police department a photograph of three 20-dollar bills. Several days later, he gets a letter back from the police department. Inside is a photograph of a pair of handcuffs.


APOLOGIES TO BLONDES
            A not-too-bright but beautiful blonde was driving home one night when she was caught in a terrible storm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls, and her car was dented badly.
            Next day at the auto shop, a repairman decided to have a little fun at her expense.
            "To fix the dents in the body," he said, "drive home, park the car, and when the tailpipe is cool, get down on your knees and blow really hard into the tailpipe, and the dents will pop out. Later, a girlfriend of the blonde is driving by and sees her friend on her knees, blowing hard into the tailpipe. She asks what's going on and is told the story. The girlfriend laughs.
            "Well, duhhh! You need to roll up the windows first, silly!"


ALL ANGLES COVERED
            A couple of young tourists are pulled over by a highway patrolman. The officer walks up, asks for the driver's license and registration, and when he doesn't get it quickly enough, whacks the driver in the head.
            "That's for not having your driver's license ready," he snaps. "I ain't got all day." After he issues the driver a ticket, the patrolman walks around to the other side of the car and whacks the passenger in the head.
            "Owwww!" hollers the passenger. "What'd you do that for?"
            "That's to make your dream come true," replied the cop. "I know that when you'd gotten a half-mile down the road, you were gonna say to your friend here, 'Wish he'd tried that with me!'"


THE BANKER AND THE JAG
            A banker is proudly driving his brand-new Jaguar sedan around New York City. On reaching his destination, he parks the car at the curb and gets out on the traffic side. Just as he opens the door, a taxicab slams into it, ripping the door right off its hinges. The cabby drives off as if nothing extraordinary has occurred. A policeman who witnesses the whole thing walks up to the banker, who is now wailing loudly, "Ohhh myyy gaaawdd! Look what that idiot did to my new Jaaaaggguuuaar!
            The cop looks at the banker, shakes his head, and says, "You bankers are so damn materialistic! Here you are whining about your expensive car, and you don't even realize the cab tore off your arm!"
            The banker looks down at where his arm used to be and begins to wail loudly, "Ohhhh myyy gaawd, my Rolllllleeeexxx is gone!"


EVERYTHING'S BIGGER IN TEXAS!
            A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around.
            "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said. The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size.
            "Is this all your land?" he asked.
            "Yes," the Israeli said proudly. "This is all mine!"
            "You mean this is it? This is all of it?" the Texan said incredulously.
            "Yes, yes, this is really all mine!"
            "Well, son," said the Texan, "back home I'd get in my car before the sun'd come up and I'd drive and drive and drive, and when the sun set, why, I'd only be halfway across my land!"           "Oh, yes," replied the Israeli farmer wistfully, "I used to have a car like that."


UNLOCK YOUR BRAIN!
            Someone at the auto repair shop locked the owner's keys inside his car. While the locksmith was working on the driver's-side door lock, the anxious owner walked up and tried the passenger's-side door. It opened. The locksmith looked up. "Yeah, I already got that one."


Q. How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A. He doesn't know; he’ll have to ask his manager to see what he can do.
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